Hyper- Independence: Super Power or Trauma Response?
In a society that glorifies independence and self-reliance, it is easy to think of hyper-independence as a good thing, and even an advantageous trait to have.
But the reality is that hyper-independence can actually be a trait we develop from trauma (aka a trauma response).
Before we dig into the why, let’s make sure we’re not confusing hyper-independence for just plain ole independence.
Independence (the healthy kind) means you are confident in your capability, you are comfortable thinking for yourself, and you aren’t reliant on others for your own happiness or contentment.
When you are independent, you are able to “go at it on your own”, and you can also recognize when it is appropriate and needful to ask for help.
That last part is what is typically missing with hyper-independence.
Hyper-independence can look like:
Fear of disappointment
Lack of trust in others
Avoiding asking for help even when you need it
Being annoyed by other needy people
Believing the only person you can rely on is yourself
Feeling anxious and overwhelmed often
Feeling like a burden when you ask for help
Feeling resentful that people don’t offer to help
So why is asking for help so difficult for some people?
This is where the trauma response comes into play.
If we are consistently shown that no one is going to be there when we need them to help us, we will eventually learn to stop asking for help.
If we experience something painful (like rejection or shame) after being vulnerable, we will learn that vulnerability is not safe and eventually stop expressing that vulnerability.
If we are consistently neglected and experience disappointment or hurt from it, we will learn to stop expressing needs so that there is no opportunity for neglect or disappointment to hurt us.
The common theme here? Protection.
Hyper-independence is a protective trauma response that helps us manage or avoid feeling rejection, vulnerability, hurt and disappointment.
When we experience these uncomfortable sensations in our body, our nervous system feels unsafe by the dysregulation and will build walls to shield and protect us from experiencing the discomfort again.
This manifests through behaviors that push people away that may cause those unpleasant emotions or sensations - like hiding our needs or refusing to ask for or accept help.
If you find yourself feeling uncomfortable at the idea of asking for help, here’s a healing tip for you:
Practice letting others help you by starting small.
Ask someone to pass you the salt.
Ask your partner to bring you a cup of coffee.
The next time someone asks if there’s anything they can do for you, challenge yourself to answer YES. Think of something you need and then allow that person to meet it!
Pay attention to what it feels like to have someone support you.
Notice how you feel when people follow through and show that you can rely on them.
Then continue reminding yourself that you have proof that not every request for help or expression of a need will end in disappointment or pain.
Use those experiences as encouragement to continue asking for the help you need.
If you’re a therapist or healer, you may be holding onto the belief that you shouldn’t need to ask for help - you’re the one that’s supposed to know all the tools and tricks!
But I encourage you to compassionately remind yourself that you are human too. You have pain and protective responses just like your clients do.
And here’s the thing: the more you care for your own wounds, the better you will be able to show up for your clients.
That’s exactly why I created the Hope for Healers program - to give discouraged therapists the tools they need to not only heal from the chronic burnout and overwhelm, but to be able to wholeheartedly show up in their business AND their personal lives.
